Moody

So I haven't written a post lately because I wanted to post something positive and I haven't really been in a positive place these past couple of weeks.  One thing that I've always been up front about in regards to my blog is that these are my thoughts and feelings in a 100% unfiltered format.  At the same time, I was hoping to have more positive posts than I have had so far...but I know that some of you out there find inspiration in my struggle and that is what inspires me to keep going and to keep fighting. Everything I'm about to say are my feelings that I'm entitled to.  I'm not sharing them because I want you to feel sorry for me. I'm sharing them because I need to get them out somehow.  I'm sharing them in hopes maybe someone out there is feeling the same way and will find comfort in knowing that they are not alone.

These last couple of weeks have sucked balls in regards to getting healthy.  I don't really know how else to describe them.  Don't get me wrong - things have been going well at home.  The kids have just finished up the school year and are excited for summer.  John's business is busy which is always a good thing.  I started school again and am absolutely loving it. 

But in my weight loss battle, I am growing weary and am really fighting the urge to give up.

I know, I know.  I'm doing so well...I've come so far...It's not going to come off over night. Blah, blah, blah. No one knows what it feels like to be in this body but me.  No one knows how hard it is to get out of bed every morning.  No one knows how disgusted I feel when I look in the mirror.  No one knows how embarrassed I am to leave the house.  No one knows how painful it is to see pictures of myself now, knowing where I was before. No one knows the personal battle I wage with myself when I make a poor food choice. No one knows the tears that I cry because of the my own hell that I live in. No one knows how desperately I want to be beautiful.  And save the "but you are beautiful" comments because I don't want to hear it.  If being like this was beautiful, I would be able to buy my clothes in a regular store.  If being like this was beautiful, then I wouldn't be made to feel like I'm inadequate. I'm pissed off.  I'm frustrated.  I'm sad.  I'm so damn sick and tired of fighting and fighting and feeling like I'm going nowhere.  Over the last 2 weeks I've gained 3 pounds.  Yes, I realize it's just only 3 pounds...but for me I feel like it's a HUGE setback.  This is the first time since I started this in January that I've gained weight. My spirit is broken and for the first time, I feel like I am fighting again insurmountable odds.  Yes, I know that I am in control of my own destiny and that sitting around "feeling sorry for myself" isn't going to fix anything.  However, I would like to point out that I am allowed to have an off day (or week) every now and then.

So here I am...still pissed and still frustrated but I'm not ready to give up quite yet.  All I can do at this point is take it one day at a time.  Baby steps.  Slow and steady wins the race.