Moody

So I haven't written a post lately because I wanted to post something positive and I haven't really been in a positive place these past couple of weeks.  One thing that I've always been up front about in regards to my blog is that these are my thoughts and feelings in a 100% unfiltered format.  At the same time, I was hoping to have more positive posts than I have had so far...but I know that some of you out there find inspiration in my struggle and that is what inspires me to keep going and to keep fighting. Everything I'm about to say are my feelings that I'm entitled to.  I'm not sharing them because I want you to feel sorry for me. I'm sharing them because I need to get them out somehow.  I'm sharing them in hopes maybe someone out there is feeling the same way and will find comfort in knowing that they are not alone.

These last couple of weeks have sucked balls in regards to getting healthy.  I don't really know how else to describe them.  Don't get me wrong - things have been going well at home.  The kids have just finished up the school year and are excited for summer.  John's business is busy which is always a good thing.  I started school again and am absolutely loving it. 

But in my weight loss battle, I am growing weary and am really fighting the urge to give up.

I know, I know.  I'm doing so well...I've come so far...It's not going to come off over night. Blah, blah, blah. No one knows what it feels like to be in this body but me.  No one knows how hard it is to get out of bed every morning.  No one knows how disgusted I feel when I look in the mirror.  No one knows how embarrassed I am to leave the house.  No one knows how painful it is to see pictures of myself now, knowing where I was before. No one knows the personal battle I wage with myself when I make a poor food choice. No one knows the tears that I cry because of the my own hell that I live in. No one knows how desperately I want to be beautiful.  And save the "but you are beautiful" comments because I don't want to hear it.  If being like this was beautiful, I would be able to buy my clothes in a regular store.  If being like this was beautiful, then I wouldn't be made to feel like I'm inadequate. I'm pissed off.  I'm frustrated.  I'm sad.  I'm so damn sick and tired of fighting and fighting and feeling like I'm going nowhere.  Over the last 2 weeks I've gained 3 pounds.  Yes, I realize it's just only 3 pounds...but for me I feel like it's a HUGE setback.  This is the first time since I started this in January that I've gained weight. My spirit is broken and for the first time, I feel like I am fighting again insurmountable odds.  Yes, I know that I am in control of my own destiny and that sitting around "feeling sorry for myself" isn't going to fix anything.  However, I would like to point out that I am allowed to have an off day (or week) every now and then.

So here I am...still pissed and still frustrated but I'm not ready to give up quite yet.  All I can do at this point is take it one day at a time.  Baby steps.  Slow and steady wins the race.

Hello?

Ok, so it's been a little while since my last post.

No, I haven't been abducted by aliens or fallen off the face of the Earth. Life has just been busy and it's as simple as that.

I am super excited to share that I have met my second goal and am now down 21 pounds!! I'm almost giddy I'm so excited. I even went on a week long vacation and didn't gain a single pound! Go me!

That being said, these last two days have been a STRUGGLE! I want to eat everything I can get my hands on and I mean everything. I'm trying my hardest to be good but I'm getting frustrated. I'm really fighting to not get back into my old habits but my willpower has sucked ass these last few days. I'm feeling another low coming on, too, which I absolutely do not have time for right now. I'm trying to not let it suck me in but I'm not winning there, either. Damn depression.

This week is crazy busy at my house so here's hoping I don't lose my mind between now and next week! One thing I know for sure is that I'm staying positive and taking it one day at a time. Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race.

Trudging

Well it's been another week on my journey. The previous week, I lost 1/2 a pound bringing me to a total of 17 lbs lost.  Only 3 more pounds to go until I meet my next goal!!

This week, however, I didn't lose anything...but I didn't gain either...so while I'm not super pumped, I'm happy that I at least maintained my weight from the week before. 

John and I started exercising this week by doing P90x.  Although it may seem a bit ambitious to be taking on a monster like P90x at the size I am, I have to say I've been impressed with myself.  Obviously I can't do every single move they do but I do as much as I can and, on the ones that I can't do all the way, I try to do it as close as I can.  We've exercised for at least an hour every night this week (except for last night) and I've felt pretty good.  After the first day, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to move but surprisingly, I wasn't as sore as I expected to be.  Now I know there are a few of you out there that are thinking "muscle weighs more than fat so you may lose inches but not weight" - yes, I know that...BUT it would have been nice to see a little bit of a reward via the scale.

I feel like I've just been trudging along this week and I had a hard time staying focused on my goal of getting healthy.  I did have an extra Diet Coke two days this week but I still ate like I was supposed to. Tuesday was one of those days that it was a total struggle to even get out of bed and function.  That's the frustrating thing about depression - I'll be going along fine and then out of nowhere, it will blindside me.  In most cases, as with this one, there is no particular "thing" that triggers it.  The only way that I know to describe it is the chemical imbalance in my head is a little more imbalanced a that particular time than others and my meds can't quite get it in check. I put on my brave face and headed out face the world and managed to make it through the day...and thankfully the rest of the week was better. Depression is not a weakness, it's a disease. I am not ashamed of who I am.  I don't talk about my feelings for attention or for you to feel sorry for me. I am so open about my feelings in hopes that someone out there who may be going through the same thing will realize that they are not alone...that they are not "broken"...that it's ok to ask for help...and that they can get through it.

So here's to another week.  I will not give up.  I will not fail. I don't care if it takes me years to lose this weight, I WILL do it! Baby steps.  Slow and steady wins the race.

Happy Dance

This week, although busy and a little stressful, has had a couple of fabulous "mini-victories" for me.

First, I lost 2.5 pounds this week bringing my total weight loss so far to 16.5 pounds! 

Second, I was able to comfortably put on a pair of pants that I haven't been able to wear in almost 2 years - and they were the next size smaller than what I had been wearing!!

Talk about a renewed sense of motivation!  If it feels this good now to go down one pants size, I can't imagine what it's going to feel like when I go down to the next size, or the next.  But I am determined to get there!  I'm not going to give up!

I want to give a shout out (yeah, I know that sounds totally cheesy) to my fabulous husband.  He's been on this journey with me and by my side step-by-step.  So far, he lost 23 pounds!!  He's been there for me to lean on when I get frustrated and give me encouragement when I need it.  We're getting healthy together and it feels wonderful!

Tonight my family is going out to dinner to celebrate my Dad's birthday.  I'm not going to go absolutely crazy but I'm not going to beat myself up either if I eat a few more calories tonight than the usual.  It's a special occasion so I may treat myself just a little. :)

Baby steps.  Slow and steady wins the race.

Same Place

At this week's weigh-in, I didn't lose any weight BUT I didn't gain any either. 

I will admit I was disappointed at first but after thinking about it for a minute, I snapped out of it.  Yeah, it would have been great to lose a pound or two but at least I didn't gain anything.  I realize that there will be weeks that my body just doesn't cooperate and I'm just going to have to accept that.  If I don't, I'll get frustrated and give up.  I keep reminding myself that (as annoying as this phrase is to me) I didn't gain  it all over night and it's not going to come off overnight either. I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing and keep focused on the end goal.

With Spring approaching, it's going to be time to put away the long sleeves and jeans for capris and short sleeves.  I loathe new seasons because it means new clothes.  While I have a few "staple" items that I turn to, I like to try and find a couple of new ones to brighten up my wardrobe.  Shopping is frustrating to me because there are only a handful of places that carry plus size clothing in store so I can try it on.  And of those that do carry plus size clothes, a lot of them carry what I would consider to be "grandma" clothes.  Do these people not realize that there are fat girls under the age of 60? Seriously. It irritates me that because I don't fit the "ideal" size, I either have to deal with a very limited selection in store or I have to shop online and just hope what I ordered looks good on me.  Come on people...I'm fat, I don't have a disease. I'm not going to infect your store with fatness so it would be awesome if you would carry some stuff for me to wear that doesn't look like I bought it at Grandmas R Us or at the tent and awning store. And, just for the record, I'm a big fan of the phrase "just because they make it in your size doesn't mean you should wear it."  No, Old Navy, I do not need shorts that are Daisy  Dukes.  Quite frankly, I wouldn't be caught dead in them.  For one, I have more self-respect than to walk out in public with all my flab and cellulite flapping in the wind for everyone to see. Oh, and thanks for the skinny jeans...because putting on those skinny jeans will totally make my fat look skinny, right? NOPE! Not that I have anything against people who wear Daisy  Duke's or skinny jeans but surely  you see where I'm coming from on this one. 

So for now, I'm  going to keep moving forward because I know one day that I WILL be able to buy clothes from the regular section in ANY store I want!  Baby steps.  Slow and steady wins the race.

Emotional Eating

This week has proved to be a tough one so far...probably one of the toughest since I've started my journey. I've stayed on track but it's been really tough....REALLY TOUGH. I am an admitted "emotional eater" and this week has been crazy stressful and busy at work.  On top of that, my 90 year old grandfather (I call him Pop) is in the hospital with pneumonia. I'm a worry-wart by nature and when you factor in something serious like that, I'm a total mess.  I love Pop more than anything and I'm worried sick about him.  He is my hero and I just want him better and back home.

I want some cookies.

I want a bowl of cereal.

I want to drink a GIANT Diet Coke.

I want some french fries.

I want some chocolate.

I just want to get lost in a sea of comfort and deliciousness so maybe I can forget about everything even if just for a little while.

 

I know that will not fix anything..but that is how I've always "coped" in the past. I've managed to fight off the urges to eat so far....I just hope that I can stay strong and not give in.  I've come so far in the last 7 weeks and a binge of comfort food would be a huge setback emotionally. I can do this. I will not give in. Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race. 

Progress

This week starts my 7th week of my journey.  I've had ups and downs but for the most part, I've been doing well.  My weight loss at weigh in this week makes 14 pounds lost so far.  Only 6 more pounds to go until my next mini-goal.  Woo hoo!!!

Now that I'm tracking my caloric intake each day, it really amazes me how many calories I used to eat. For example, one of my favorite things to eat was a turkey and roast beef sub from Jimmy John's.  I didn't really think that a sub was terrible for me (in spite of the bread) because it's not fried and greasy....good grief was I wrong.  The sub had over 600 calories in it plus the chips that had another 300.  That's almost my full days worth of calories in that one meal!!

I've noticed that my appetite had decreased quite a bit, which is a definite plus. Most days, I've actually had a hard time eating all 1200 of my calories (I tend to stall out around 1000), which is something I never thought would happen.  I'm not saying that I don't have moments where I want to eat everything in the house...but I am getting better about controlling myself and not giving in to those cravings.

My next step for this week is to continue hitting the treadmill and, hopefully, continue to build up my endurance.  I really want to do the "Couch to 5K" app but right now, I have a hard enough time just getting my 10 minutes of walking in.  I know I'll get there, though, and I'm not giving up until I do.

Baby steps.  Slow and steady wins the race.