So I haven't written a post lately because I wanted to post something positive and I haven't really been in a positive place these past couple of weeks. One thing that I've always been up front about in regards to my blog is that these are my thoughts and feelings in a 100% unfiltered format. At the same time, I was hoping to have more positive posts than I have had so far...but I know that some of you out there find inspiration in my struggle and that is what inspires me to keep going and to keep fighting. Everything I'm about to say are my feelings that I'm entitled to. I'm not sharing them because I want you to feel sorry for me. I'm sharing them because I need to get them out somehow. I'm sharing them in hopes maybe someone out there is feeling the same way and will find comfort in knowing that they are not alone.
These last couple of weeks have sucked balls in regards to getting healthy. I don't really know how else to describe them. Don't get me wrong - things have been going well at home. The kids have just finished up the school year and are excited for summer. John's business is busy which is always a good thing. I started school again and am absolutely loving it.
But in my weight loss battle, I am growing weary and am really fighting the urge to give up.
I know, I know. I'm doing so well...I've come so far...It's not going to come off over night. Blah, blah, blah. No one knows what it feels like to be in this body but me. No one knows how hard it is to get out of bed every morning. No one knows how disgusted I feel when I look in the mirror. No one knows how embarrassed I am to leave the house. No one knows how painful it is to see pictures of myself now, knowing where I was before. No one knows the personal battle I wage with myself when I make a poor food choice. No one knows the tears that I cry because of the my own hell that I live in. No one knows how desperately I want to be beautiful. And save the "but you are beautiful" comments because I don't want to hear it. If being like this was beautiful, I would be able to buy my clothes in a regular store. If being like this was beautiful, then I wouldn't be made to feel like I'm inadequate. I'm pissed off. I'm frustrated. I'm sad. I'm so damn sick and tired of fighting and fighting and feeling like I'm going nowhere. Over the last 2 weeks I've gained 3 pounds. Yes, I realize it's just only 3 pounds...but for me I feel like it's a HUGE setback. This is the first time since I started this in January that I've gained weight. My spirit is broken and for the first time, I feel like I am fighting again insurmountable odds. Yes, I know that I am in control of my own destiny and that sitting around "feeling sorry for myself" isn't going to fix anything. However, I would like to point out that I am allowed to have an off day (or week) every now and then.
So here I am...still pissed and still frustrated but I'm not ready to give up quite yet. All I can do at this point is take it one day at a time. Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
Hello?
Ok, so it's been a little while since my last post.
No, I haven't been abducted by aliens or fallen off the face of the Earth. Life has just been busy and it's as simple as that.
I am super excited to share that I have met my second goal and am now down 21 pounds!! I'm almost giddy I'm so excited. I even went on a week long vacation and didn't gain a single pound! Go me!
That being said, these last two days have been a STRUGGLE! I want to eat everything I can get my hands on and I mean everything. I'm trying my hardest to be good but I'm getting frustrated. I'm really fighting to not get back into my old habits but my willpower has sucked ass these last few days. I'm feeling another low coming on, too, which I absolutely do not have time for right now. I'm trying to not let it suck me in but I'm not winning there, either. Damn depression.
This week is crazy busy at my house so here's hoping I don't lose my mind between now and next week! One thing I know for sure is that I'm staying positive and taking it one day at a time. Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race.
No, I haven't been abducted by aliens or fallen off the face of the Earth. Life has just been busy and it's as simple as that.
I am super excited to share that I have met my second goal and am now down 21 pounds!! I'm almost giddy I'm so excited. I even went on a week long vacation and didn't gain a single pound! Go me!
That being said, these last two days have been a STRUGGLE! I want to eat everything I can get my hands on and I mean everything. I'm trying my hardest to be good but I'm getting frustrated. I'm really fighting to not get back into my old habits but my willpower has sucked ass these last few days. I'm feeling another low coming on, too, which I absolutely do not have time for right now. I'm trying to not let it suck me in but I'm not winning there, either. Damn depression.
This week is crazy busy at my house so here's hoping I don't lose my mind between now and next week! One thing I know for sure is that I'm staying positive and taking it one day at a time. Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Trudging
Well it's been another week on my journey. The previous week, I lost 1/2 a pound bringing me to a total of 17 lbs lost. Only 3 more pounds to go until I meet my next goal!!
This week, however, I didn't lose anything...but I didn't gain either...so while I'm not super pumped, I'm happy that I at least maintained my weight from the week before.
John and I started exercising this week by doing P90x. Although it may seem a bit ambitious to be taking on a monster like P90x at the size I am, I have to say I've been impressed with myself. Obviously I can't do every single move they do but I do as much as I can and, on the ones that I can't do all the way, I try to do it as close as I can. We've exercised for at least an hour every night this week (except for last night) and I've felt pretty good. After the first day, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to move but surprisingly, I wasn't as sore as I expected to be. Now I know there are a few of you out there that are thinking "muscle weighs more than fat so you may lose inches but not weight" - yes, I know that...BUT it would have been nice to see a little bit of a reward via the scale.
I feel like I've just been trudging along this week and I had a hard time staying focused on my goal of getting healthy. I did have an extra Diet Coke two days this week but I still ate like I was supposed to. Tuesday was one of those days that it was a total struggle to even get out of bed and function. That's the frustrating thing about depression - I'll be going along fine and then out of nowhere, it will blindside me. In most cases, as with this one, there is no particular "thing" that triggers it. The only way that I know to describe it is the chemical imbalance in my head is a little more imbalanced a that particular time than others and my meds can't quite get it in check. I put on my brave face and headed out face the world and managed to make it through the day...and thankfully the rest of the week was better. Depression is not a weakness, it's a disease. I am not ashamed of who I am. I don't talk about my feelings for attention or for you to feel sorry for me. I am so open about my feelings in hopes that someone out there who may be going through the same thing will realize that they are not alone...that they are not "broken"...that it's ok to ask for help...and that they can get through it.
So here's to another week. I will not give up. I will not fail. I don't care if it takes me years to lose this weight, I WILL do it! Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race.
This week, however, I didn't lose anything...but I didn't gain either...so while I'm not super pumped, I'm happy that I at least maintained my weight from the week before.
John and I started exercising this week by doing P90x. Although it may seem a bit ambitious to be taking on a monster like P90x at the size I am, I have to say I've been impressed with myself. Obviously I can't do every single move they do but I do as much as I can and, on the ones that I can't do all the way, I try to do it as close as I can. We've exercised for at least an hour every night this week (except for last night) and I've felt pretty good. After the first day, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to move but surprisingly, I wasn't as sore as I expected to be. Now I know there are a few of you out there that are thinking "muscle weighs more than fat so you may lose inches but not weight" - yes, I know that...BUT it would have been nice to see a little bit of a reward via the scale.
I feel like I've just been trudging along this week and I had a hard time staying focused on my goal of getting healthy. I did have an extra Diet Coke two days this week but I still ate like I was supposed to. Tuesday was one of those days that it was a total struggle to even get out of bed and function. That's the frustrating thing about depression - I'll be going along fine and then out of nowhere, it will blindside me. In most cases, as with this one, there is no particular "thing" that triggers it. The only way that I know to describe it is the chemical imbalance in my head is a little more imbalanced a that particular time than others and my meds can't quite get it in check. I put on my brave face and headed out face the world and managed to make it through the day...and thankfully the rest of the week was better. Depression is not a weakness, it's a disease. I am not ashamed of who I am. I don't talk about my feelings for attention or for you to feel sorry for me. I am so open about my feelings in hopes that someone out there who may be going through the same thing will realize that they are not alone...that they are not "broken"...that it's ok to ask for help...and that they can get through it.
So here's to another week. I will not give up. I will not fail. I don't care if it takes me years to lose this weight, I WILL do it! Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Happy Dance
This week, although busy and a little stressful, has had a couple of fabulous "mini-victories" for me.
First, I lost 2.5 pounds this week bringing my total weight loss so far to 16.5 pounds!
Second, I was able to comfortably put on a pair of pants that I haven't been able to wear in almost 2 years - and they were the next size smaller than what I had been wearing!!
Talk about a renewed sense of motivation! If it feels this good now to go down one pants size, I can't imagine what it's going to feel like when I go down to the next size, or the next. But I am determined to get there! I'm not going to give up!
I want to give a shout out (yeah, I know that sounds totally cheesy) to my fabulous husband. He's been on this journey with me and by my side step-by-step. So far, he lost 23 pounds!! He's been there for me to lean on when I get frustrated and give me encouragement when I need it. We're getting healthy together and it feels wonderful!
Tonight my family is going out to dinner to celebrate my Dad's birthday. I'm not going to go absolutely crazy but I'm not going to beat myself up either if I eat a few more calories tonight than the usual. It's a special occasion so I may treat myself just a little. :)
Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race.
First, I lost 2.5 pounds this week bringing my total weight loss so far to 16.5 pounds!
Second, I was able to comfortably put on a pair of pants that I haven't been able to wear in almost 2 years - and they were the next size smaller than what I had been wearing!!
Talk about a renewed sense of motivation! If it feels this good now to go down one pants size, I can't imagine what it's going to feel like when I go down to the next size, or the next. But I am determined to get there! I'm not going to give up!
I want to give a shout out (yeah, I know that sounds totally cheesy) to my fabulous husband. He's been on this journey with me and by my side step-by-step. So far, he lost 23 pounds!! He's been there for me to lean on when I get frustrated and give me encouragement when I need it. We're getting healthy together and it feels wonderful!
Tonight my family is going out to dinner to celebrate my Dad's birthday. I'm not going to go absolutely crazy but I'm not going to beat myself up either if I eat a few more calories tonight than the usual. It's a special occasion so I may treat myself just a little. :)
Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Same Place
At this week's weigh-in, I didn't lose any weight BUT I didn't gain any either.
I will admit I was disappointed at first but after thinking about it for a minute, I snapped out of it. Yeah, it would have been great to lose a pound or two but at least I didn't gain anything. I realize that there will be weeks that my body just doesn't cooperate and I'm just going to have to accept that. If I don't, I'll get frustrated and give up. I keep reminding myself that (as annoying as this phrase is to me) I didn't gain it all over night and it's not going to come off overnight either. I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing and keep focused on the end goal.
With Spring approaching, it's going to be time to put away the long sleeves and jeans for capris and short sleeves. I loathe new seasons because it means new clothes. While I have a few "staple" items that I turn to, I like to try and find a couple of new ones to brighten up my wardrobe. Shopping is frustrating to me because there are only a handful of places that carry plus size clothing in store so I can try it on. And of those that do carry plus size clothes, a lot of them carry what I would consider to be "grandma" clothes. Do these people not realize that there are fat girls under the age of 60? Seriously. It irritates me that because I don't fit the "ideal" size, I either have to deal with a very limited selection in store or I have to shop online and just hope what I ordered looks good on me. Come on people...I'm fat, I don't have a disease. I'm not going to infect your store with fatness so it would be awesome if you would carry some stuff for me to wear that doesn't look like I bought it at Grandmas R Us or at the tent and awning store. And, just for the record, I'm a big fan of the phrase "just because they make it in your size doesn't mean you should wear it." No, Old Navy, I do not need shorts that are Daisy Dukes. Quite frankly, I wouldn't be caught dead in them. For one, I have more self-respect than to walk out in public with all my flab and cellulite flapping in the wind for everyone to see. Oh, and thanks for the skinny jeans...because putting on those skinny jeans will totally make my fat look skinny, right? NOPE! Not that I have anything against people who wear Daisy Duke's or skinny jeans but surely you see where I'm coming from on this one.
So for now, I'm going to keep moving forward because I know one day that I WILL be able to buy clothes from the regular section in ANY store I want! Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race.
I will admit I was disappointed at first but after thinking about it for a minute, I snapped out of it. Yeah, it would have been great to lose a pound or two but at least I didn't gain anything. I realize that there will be weeks that my body just doesn't cooperate and I'm just going to have to accept that. If I don't, I'll get frustrated and give up. I keep reminding myself that (as annoying as this phrase is to me) I didn't gain it all over night and it's not going to come off overnight either. I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing and keep focused on the end goal.
With Spring approaching, it's going to be time to put away the long sleeves and jeans for capris and short sleeves. I loathe new seasons because it means new clothes. While I have a few "staple" items that I turn to, I like to try and find a couple of new ones to brighten up my wardrobe. Shopping is frustrating to me because there are only a handful of places that carry plus size clothing in store so I can try it on. And of those that do carry plus size clothes, a lot of them carry what I would consider to be "grandma" clothes. Do these people not realize that there are fat girls under the age of 60? Seriously. It irritates me that because I don't fit the "ideal" size, I either have to deal with a very limited selection in store or I have to shop online and just hope what I ordered looks good on me. Come on people...I'm fat, I don't have a disease. I'm not going to infect your store with fatness so it would be awesome if you would carry some stuff for me to wear that doesn't look like I bought it at Grandmas R Us or at the tent and awning store. And, just for the record, I'm a big fan of the phrase "just because they make it in your size doesn't mean you should wear it." No, Old Navy, I do not need shorts that are Daisy Dukes. Quite frankly, I wouldn't be caught dead in them. For one, I have more self-respect than to walk out in public with all my flab and cellulite flapping in the wind for everyone to see. Oh, and thanks for the skinny jeans...because putting on those skinny jeans will totally make my fat look skinny, right? NOPE! Not that I have anything against people who wear Daisy Duke's or skinny jeans but surely you see where I'm coming from on this one.
So for now, I'm going to keep moving forward because I know one day that I WILL be able to buy clothes from the regular section in ANY store I want! Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Emotional Eating
This week has proved to be a tough one so far...probably one of the toughest since I've started my journey. I've stayed on track but it's been really tough....REALLY TOUGH. I am an admitted "emotional eater" and this week has been crazy stressful and busy at work. On top of that, my 90 year old grandfather (I call him Pop) is in the hospital with pneumonia. I'm a worry-wart by nature and when you factor in something serious like that, I'm a total mess. I love Pop more than anything and I'm worried sick about him. He is my hero and I just want him better and back home.
I want some cookies.
I want a bowl of cereal.
I want to drink a GIANT Diet Coke.
I want some french fries.
I want some chocolate.
I just want to get lost in a sea of comfort and deliciousness so maybe I can forget about everything even if just for a little while.
I know that will not fix anything..but that is how I've always "coped" in the past. I've managed to fight off the urges to eat so far....I just hope that I can stay strong and not give in. I've come so far in the last 7 weeks and a binge of comfort food would be a huge setback emotionally. I can do this. I will not give in. Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Progress
This week starts my 7th week of my journey. I've had ups and downs but for the most part, I've been doing well. My weight loss at weigh in this week makes 14 pounds lost so far. Only 6 more pounds to go until my next mini-goal. Woo hoo!!!
Now that I'm tracking my caloric intake each day, it really amazes me how many calories I used to eat. For example, one of my favorite things to eat was a turkey and roast beef sub from Jimmy John's. I didn't really think that a sub was terrible for me (in spite of the bread) because it's not fried and greasy....good grief was I wrong. The sub had over 600 calories in it plus the chips that had another 300. That's almost my full days worth of calories in that one meal!!
I've noticed that my appetite had decreased quite a bit, which is a definite plus. Most days, I've actually had a hard time eating all 1200 of my calories (I tend to stall out around 1000), which is something I never thought would happen. I'm not saying that I don't have moments where I want to eat everything in the house...but I am getting better about controlling myself and not giving in to those cravings.
My next step for this week is to continue hitting the treadmill and, hopefully, continue to build up my endurance. I really want to do the "Couch to 5K" app but right now, I have a hard enough time just getting my 10 minutes of walking in. I know I'll get there, though, and I'm not giving up until I do.
Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race.
Now that I'm tracking my caloric intake each day, it really amazes me how many calories I used to eat. For example, one of my favorite things to eat was a turkey and roast beef sub from Jimmy John's. I didn't really think that a sub was terrible for me (in spite of the bread) because it's not fried and greasy....good grief was I wrong. The sub had over 600 calories in it plus the chips that had another 300. That's almost my full days worth of calories in that one meal!!
I've noticed that my appetite had decreased quite a bit, which is a definite plus. Most days, I've actually had a hard time eating all 1200 of my calories (I tend to stall out around 1000), which is something I never thought would happen. I'm not saying that I don't have moments where I want to eat everything in the house...but I am getting better about controlling myself and not giving in to those cravings.
My next step for this week is to continue hitting the treadmill and, hopefully, continue to build up my endurance. I really want to do the "Couch to 5K" app but right now, I have a hard enough time just getting my 10 minutes of walking in. I know I'll get there, though, and I'm not giving up until I do.
Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Struggle
Today I am struggling.
I stayed home with the boys today because they were out of school and we had a very low-key day. While I've stayed on track food-wise, I've been sort of a mess emotionally. I wouldn't really call it a pity party but rather just a whirlwind of emotions. I'm struggling with the way that I feel about myself. My brain is constantly going and I'm constantly thinking. I am so uncomfortable in my own skin. I guess I never really wanted to admit just how far out of control my weight has gotten so I just chose to block it out. Since I've decided to get healthy, I've become painfully aware. I'm mad at myself for letting it get this bad. My husband tried several times to persuade me to get healthy but I always came up with reasons why I couldn't do it right then. I'm mad at myself for not taking control a long time ago. I know that the only thing that I can do now is to keep moving forward with my healthy changes that I'm making. That's the only way that I'm going to feel better about myself. I think I'm going to get on the treadmill and work off some of this frustration.
Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race.
I stayed home with the boys today because they were out of school and we had a very low-key day. While I've stayed on track food-wise, I've been sort of a mess emotionally. I wouldn't really call it a pity party but rather just a whirlwind of emotions. I'm struggling with the way that I feel about myself. My brain is constantly going and I'm constantly thinking. I am so uncomfortable in my own skin. I guess I never really wanted to admit just how far out of control my weight has gotten so I just chose to block it out. Since I've decided to get healthy, I've become painfully aware. I'm mad at myself for letting it get this bad. My husband tried several times to persuade me to get healthy but I always came up with reasons why I couldn't do it right then. I'm mad at myself for not taking control a long time ago. I know that the only thing that I can do now is to keep moving forward with my healthy changes that I'm making. That's the only way that I'm going to feel better about myself. I think I'm going to get on the treadmill and work off some of this frustration.
Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
1 Month
I've been on this journey for a month now and I've lost a total of 12.5 pounds so far. I feel good and I'm starting to see a small difference in how my clothes are fitting. To say it's getting easier wouldn't be entirely true. I still have days where I want to eat one of everything plus a side of french fries but I am doing well with pressing through the temptation. Valentine's Day was hard because we had someone bring two heart-shaped cakes of fudge chocolate deliciousness up to the office for all of us to share. I am proud to say that I took 2 bites as a little treat but that was it. That was a small yet monumental victory over temptation for me because usually I would have eaten a whole one by myself. At the same time, it's becoming almost second-nature (most days) to eat what I'm supposed to eat. I'm finding it easier to make smarter choices and finding myself determined to stay on track.
I have a few other goals that I would like to reach along the way aside from the obvious weight loss goal. Here they are in no particular order.
1. I want to be able to buy clothes in the regular women's section of the store...like as in not the "plus size" section. I honestly can't really remember the last time I was able to do that.
2. I want to feel comfortable in shorts, dresses, and sleeveless tops.
3. I want to start and finish "Couch to 5K".
4. I want to go to the beach and actually wear a cute bathing suit.
5. I want to wear a little black dress and a killer pair of heels.
I feel confident that I will accomplish all of these things - even if it takes me a year or more. Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race.
I have a few other goals that I would like to reach along the way aside from the obvious weight loss goal. Here they are in no particular order.
1. I want to be able to buy clothes in the regular women's section of the store...like as in not the "plus size" section. I honestly can't really remember the last time I was able to do that.
2. I want to feel comfortable in shorts, dresses, and sleeveless tops.
3. I want to start and finish "Couch to 5K".
4. I want to go to the beach and actually wear a cute bathing suit.
5. I want to wear a little black dress and a killer pair of heels.
I feel confident that I will accomplish all of these things - even if it takes me a year or more. Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Keep Moving Forward
Ever feel this way before?
God knows that I have!
I'm trudging along and doing well...for the most part. I had a major guilty feeling yesterday after I ate some Papa John's pizza for lunch. My work provided pizza for everyone as a "Thank You" for hard work during a crazy busy time. I had an internal pep talk with myself. I told myself all morning that I was going to be good and eat my Lean Cuisine. However, once the pizza got there, I just couldn't say no. I have to say it was delicious but it also made me feel like crap after I ate it. My stomach was definitely not happy with me!
Yes, I realize that you have to treat yourself every now and then.
Yes, I realize that one bad meal choice doesn't mean that all is lost.
BUT...like I said before, food is my drug. It was like putting alcohol in front of an alcoholic and expecting them not to drink. I was really frustrated with myself because I knew that I needed to make the better choice and I didn't.
That being said, I didn't let that lapse in eating judgement throw me off track and I ate the way I was supposed to for the rest of the day...including drinking a ridiculous amount of water. Seriously like 100 ounces of water. I told my co-workers that I was going to move my office into the bathroom because I felt like I was going pee every 10 minutes. Sorry - TMI. I feel really good. Better than I've felt in a long time. I didn't realize just how bad eating crappy food made me feel.
I want to start exercising but I have to confess that I'm afraid. Going to the gym is absolutely out of the question - at least for right now. I have a hard enough time just going out in public right now and getting my exercise on in a public place would definitely send me into a panic attack....and it might frighten any small children that happen to see me. I mean, I have 42DDD boobs and there isn't a sports bra out there that can keep those things in control while I'm hoofing it on the treadmill. I have a treadmill at the house so my plan is to start slowly. I can't do too much at a time because my feet go numb after about 15 minutes or so. I'm hoping that will subside as my weight goes down. So for now I'm focusing on moving forward - one day at a time. I'm pushing through the frustration and discouragement that I sometimes feel and keeping my eyes focused on the end goal of 100 pounds gone!
Baby Steps. Slow and steady wins the race.
Friday, February 8, 2013
It's The Weekend
So, it's here...the weekend.
While I LOVE weekends, they are also my arch nemesis when it comes to my healthy eating plan. During the week, I take only what I'm allowed to eat for the day with me to work and once it's gone, it's gone. When I'm at home on the weekends, there is an entire room of food that sends me subliminal messages all weekend long!! Friday nights is always a "dinner out" night...it's our weekly tradition. Granted, I know that going out to eat isn't a free pass to eat one of everything on the menu and trash the hard work I've put in all week. BUT my old habits tend to start talking to me and before you know it, I've had an appetizer, entree, and dessert. Saturdays I will shape up and do good...until dinner. Sunday is pretty much the same way. It goes back to my attachment to food. Weekends are for relaxing and I relax with food. And then of course there is the other fallout from making bad choices: the emotional side. Another thing that you may not know about me is that I have something called Anxiety Depressive disorder. What exactly does that mean? It means that I have anxiety attacks from time to time. It means that there are some days that I have to fight with every ounce of my being to even get out of bed and function. I take medicine every day and I'm not ashamed of it...it's part of who I am. I am proud of the fact that I don't let it define me. I will share my story with anyone who asks. That being said, it can be a complication when I have a setback in my journey to get healthy. While most people can "shake it off" and get back on track, I will have an internal meltdown because I had too many calories. In my logical mind, I know that I'm not perfect and that's ok...and that just because I had a bad diet day doesn't mean I can't pick right back up with the next meal. The wackadoodle side of me takes a little bit to come to her senses. Sometimes there are tears. Sometimes there is anger. Sometimes there is frustration. What I've got to work on is not letting that side throw me off track. I am determined. I am a fighter. I will not be beaten. I will tell that wackadoodle to shut the hell up and I will keep going! Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race.
While I LOVE weekends, they are also my arch nemesis when it comes to my healthy eating plan. During the week, I take only what I'm allowed to eat for the day with me to work and once it's gone, it's gone. When I'm at home on the weekends, there is an entire room of food that sends me subliminal messages all weekend long!! Friday nights is always a "dinner out" night...it's our weekly tradition. Granted, I know that going out to eat isn't a free pass to eat one of everything on the menu and trash the hard work I've put in all week. BUT my old habits tend to start talking to me and before you know it, I've had an appetizer, entree, and dessert. Saturdays I will shape up and do good...until dinner. Sunday is pretty much the same way. It goes back to my attachment to food. Weekends are for relaxing and I relax with food. And then of course there is the other fallout from making bad choices: the emotional side. Another thing that you may not know about me is that I have something called Anxiety Depressive disorder. What exactly does that mean? It means that I have anxiety attacks from time to time. It means that there are some days that I have to fight with every ounce of my being to even get out of bed and function. I take medicine every day and I'm not ashamed of it...it's part of who I am. I am proud of the fact that I don't let it define me. I will share my story with anyone who asks. That being said, it can be a complication when I have a setback in my journey to get healthy. While most people can "shake it off" and get back on track, I will have an internal meltdown because I had too many calories. In my logical mind, I know that I'm not perfect and that's ok...and that just because I had a bad diet day doesn't mean I can't pick right back up with the next meal. The wackadoodle side of me takes a little bit to come to her senses. Sometimes there are tears. Sometimes there is anger. Sometimes there is frustration. What I've got to work on is not letting that side throw me off track. I am determined. I am a fighter. I will not be beaten. I will tell that wackadoodle to shut the hell up and I will keep going! Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Pics
I thought I'd add a few pics to give a visual to my story. And yes, they are all really me...at my skinniest...at my heaviest...and everywhere in between.
Goal #1 Met
I met my first official goal today. I am proud to announce that I've lost 10 pounds! I would do a happy dance, but that might frighten my co-workers. :) Yesterday I really struggled with being hungry but I tried my best to keep myself busy so I wouldn't overeat. Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
How Did I Get Here?
I'm 31 and I'm fat. I'm not going to sugarcoat it because it is what it is. I weigh alot...alot more than you'd think just by looking at me. In fact, I cried the other night when I found out that 5'1" little old me weighs more than Chumlee from Pawn Stars...by like 25 pounds. It kinda makes me look back and think HOW DID I GET HERE??
When I was a teenager, I always thought I was fat because my friends were always skinnier than me. I was always self-conscious about how I looked. I hid under over sized tshirts and blue jeans. I never wore shorts. What I didn't see then was that, at a size 10, I really was beautiful. I missed out on so much because of what I thought about myself. Fast forward about 15 years (and 2 kids) and I would give just about anything to be a size 10 again.
The age old saying is "you didn't gain it overnight" and that is true. It was a slow progression over years of being a busy working mother of 2 coupled with unhealthy eating habits. I think at some point in there I just let myself go. I got to be so embarrassed about the way that I looked that I just didn't really care anymore. For me, being overweight held a secret that I didn't really understand at first. I am addicted to food. How can someone be addicted to food? Simple. To me, food is a drug. What I haven't told anyone before is that when I wake up in the morning, I think about what I'm going to eat for the day. Food is not fuel. Food is my drug. There were nights that I would get up in the middle of the night and eat. I look at the cafeteria menu multiple times a day because I want to "plan" what I'm going to eat. If I'm having a bad day, I comfort myself with food. If I'm sad, I drown my sorrows in food. If I'm bored, I pass the time with food. If I'm happy, I want to celebrate with food. Food food food food. Well just stop eating so damn much, you say. It's not that easy. There is an emotional side to it. Giving up my food is like giving up a family member. Yes, I'm well aware of how stupid that sounds but it's the way it is. I don't want to sound cliche but I have tried everything to lose weight in the past. Weight Watchers. Slim Fast. Atkins. South Beach. fitness boot camp with a nutritionist. Diet pills. Starving myself. You name it, I've tried it.
I think rock bottom for me what when I started to feel uncomfortable out in public because I feel like everyone is staring at me. Even at family get togethers, all I can think about it how awkward and uncomfortable I feel. I feel embarrassed for my kids because they don't have the cutsie mom that wears the skinny jeans and adorable summer dresses. I would be perfectly fine to never leave my house. Those of you that know me personally are probably scratching your heads because you had no idea I felt that way. All I can say is I guess I put on a good poker face. I went through the pre-surgery process to have gastric bypass surgery (another fact that I haven't shared with many people) but in the end, it was way more expensive that I could afford. I'm poor and fat. Damn the bad luck.
Fast forward to last year when my work announced they were going to require biometric testing for all of those that had the company health insurance and that those of us that were "out of tolerance" on the requirements would have to meet with a health coach to "get healthy." I'm not sure if angry can fully describe how I felt about that. I felt like I was being picked on for being fat. I can be a bitter fat girl when I want to be. You'd think that would have been the kick in the ass I needed to get motivated but I think it had the opposite effect.
So here I am. Still 31 and still fat. After the first of the year, I just decided it was time. So I started using an app called My Fitness Pal and eating 1200 calories a day. And, most importantly, I cut back to 1 Diet Coke a day....from like 6 to 8 a day. So far, I'm almost 3 weeks in and down 9 lbs. Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race, right?
When I was a teenager, I always thought I was fat because my friends were always skinnier than me. I was always self-conscious about how I looked. I hid under over sized tshirts and blue jeans. I never wore shorts. What I didn't see then was that, at a size 10, I really was beautiful. I missed out on so much because of what I thought about myself. Fast forward about 15 years (and 2 kids) and I would give just about anything to be a size 10 again.
The age old saying is "you didn't gain it overnight" and that is true. It was a slow progression over years of being a busy working mother of 2 coupled with unhealthy eating habits. I think at some point in there I just let myself go. I got to be so embarrassed about the way that I looked that I just didn't really care anymore. For me, being overweight held a secret that I didn't really understand at first. I am addicted to food. How can someone be addicted to food? Simple. To me, food is a drug. What I haven't told anyone before is that when I wake up in the morning, I think about what I'm going to eat for the day. Food is not fuel. Food is my drug. There were nights that I would get up in the middle of the night and eat. I look at the cafeteria menu multiple times a day because I want to "plan" what I'm going to eat. If I'm having a bad day, I comfort myself with food. If I'm sad, I drown my sorrows in food. If I'm bored, I pass the time with food. If I'm happy, I want to celebrate with food. Food food food food. Well just stop eating so damn much, you say. It's not that easy. There is an emotional side to it. Giving up my food is like giving up a family member. Yes, I'm well aware of how stupid that sounds but it's the way it is. I don't want to sound cliche but I have tried everything to lose weight in the past. Weight Watchers. Slim Fast. Atkins. South Beach. fitness boot camp with a nutritionist. Diet pills. Starving myself. You name it, I've tried it.
I think rock bottom for me what when I started to feel uncomfortable out in public because I feel like everyone is staring at me. Even at family get togethers, all I can think about it how awkward and uncomfortable I feel. I feel embarrassed for my kids because they don't have the cutsie mom that wears the skinny jeans and adorable summer dresses. I would be perfectly fine to never leave my house. Those of you that know me personally are probably scratching your heads because you had no idea I felt that way. All I can say is I guess I put on a good poker face. I went through the pre-surgery process to have gastric bypass surgery (another fact that I haven't shared with many people) but in the end, it was way more expensive that I could afford. I'm poor and fat. Damn the bad luck.
Fast forward to last year when my work announced they were going to require biometric testing for all of those that had the company health insurance and that those of us that were "out of tolerance" on the requirements would have to meet with a health coach to "get healthy." I'm not sure if angry can fully describe how I felt about that. I felt like I was being picked on for being fat. I can be a bitter fat girl when I want to be. You'd think that would have been the kick in the ass I needed to get motivated but I think it had the opposite effect.
So here I am. Still 31 and still fat. After the first of the year, I just decided it was time. So I started using an app called My Fitness Pal and eating 1200 calories a day. And, most importantly, I cut back to 1 Diet Coke a day....from like 6 to 8 a day. So far, I'm almost 3 weeks in and down 9 lbs. Baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race, right?
My Journey
I decided today to start a blog.
Why?
Well I've recently embarked on a new journey in my life.
What journey?
I'm trying to shed 100+ pounds.
So why blog about it?
I figure I can't be the only one out there struggling with weight and I can't do it all by myself. I'm not perfect. I get discouraged. I get frustrated. And some days I get just plain angry. If one person reads this blog and finds comfort in the fact that they aren't alone, then this blog has served it's purpose. Follow along if you like and join me on my journey. I'm not sure if I'll succeed but I'm damn sure going to try.
Why?
Well I've recently embarked on a new journey in my life.
What journey?
I'm trying to shed 100+ pounds.
So why blog about it?
I figure I can't be the only one out there struggling with weight and I can't do it all by myself. I'm not perfect. I get discouraged. I get frustrated. And some days I get just plain angry. If one person reads this blog and finds comfort in the fact that they aren't alone, then this blog has served it's purpose. Follow along if you like and join me on my journey. I'm not sure if I'll succeed but I'm damn sure going to try.
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