How Did I Get Here?

I'm 31 and I'm fat.  I'm not going to sugarcoat it because it is what it is. I weigh alot...alot more than you'd think just by looking at me.  In fact, I cried the other night when I found out that 5'1" little old me weighs more than Chumlee from Pawn Stars...by like 25 pounds.  It kinda makes me look back and think HOW DID I GET HERE?? 

When I was a teenager, I always thought I was fat because my friends were always skinnier than me.  I was always self-conscious about how I looked.  I hid under over sized tshirts and blue jeans.  I never wore shorts. What I didn't see then was that, at a size 10, I really was beautiful.  I missed out on so much because of what I thought about myself. Fast forward about 15 years (and 2 kids) and I would give just about anything to be a size 10 again. 

The age old saying is "you didn't gain it overnight" and that is true.  It was a slow progression over years of being a busy working mother of 2 coupled with unhealthy eating habits.  I think at some point in there I just let myself go.  I got to be so embarrassed about the way that I looked that I just didn't really care anymore.  For me, being overweight held a secret that I didn't really understand at first.  I am addicted to food.  How can someone be addicted to food?  Simple.  To me, food is a drug.  What I haven't told anyone before is that when I wake up in the morning, I think about what I'm going to eat for the day.  Food is not fuel.  Food is my drug.  There were nights that I would get up in the middle of the night and eat. I look at the cafeteria menu multiple times a day because I want to "plan" what I'm going to eat.  If I'm having a bad day, I comfort myself with food.  If I'm sad, I drown my sorrows in food. If I'm bored, I pass the time with food. If I'm happy, I want to celebrate with food.  Food food food food.  Well just stop eating so damn much, you say.  It's not that easy.  There is an emotional side to it.  Giving up my food is like giving up a family member.  Yes, I'm well aware of how stupid that sounds but it's the way it is.  I don't want to sound cliche but I have tried everything to lose weight in the past.  Weight Watchers. Slim Fast. Atkins. South Beach. fitness boot camp with a nutritionist. Diet pills. Starving myself.  You name it, I've tried it. 

I think rock bottom for me what when I started to feel uncomfortable out in public because I feel like everyone is staring at me.  Even at family get togethers, all I can think about it how awkward and uncomfortable I feel.   I feel embarrassed for my kids because they don't have the cutsie mom that wears the skinny jeans and adorable summer dresses.  I would be perfectly fine to never leave my house.  Those of you that know me personally are probably scratching your heads because you had no idea I felt that way. All I can say is I guess I put on a good poker face. I went through the pre-surgery process to have gastric bypass surgery (another fact that I haven't shared with many people) but in the end, it was way more expensive that I could afford.  I'm poor and fat.  Damn the bad luck. 

Fast forward to last year when my work announced they were going to require biometric testing for all of those that had the company health insurance and that those of us that were "out of tolerance" on the requirements would have to meet with a health coach to "get healthy."  I'm not sure if angry can fully describe how I felt about that.  I felt like I was being picked on for being fat.  I can be a bitter fat girl when I want to be.  You'd think that would have been the kick in the ass I needed to get motivated but I think it had the opposite effect.

So here I am.  Still 31 and still fat.  After the first of the year, I just decided it was time.  So I started using an app called My Fitness Pal and eating 1200 calories a day. And, most importantly, I cut back to 1 Diet Coke a day....from like 6 to 8 a day.  So far, I'm almost 3 weeks in and down 9 lbs.  Baby steps.  Slow and steady wins the race, right?